Why I Don’t Tell People I Have Autism
Why I don’t tell people I have Autism.
When I was around 5, I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. That’s not a diagnosis currently in use anymore due to Hans Asperger’s level of cooperation with Nazis being a debate among historians, and the problematic nature of having a separate label for “good” autism. Nowadays people who would have been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome are diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. I identify as Autistic, and not as having Asperger’s Syndrome. But I don’t tell people until I have a high level of trust with them, usually after months or even years. And even then, I may not bring it up unless I feel it’s necessary to. I know that may confuse a lot of you, so I would like to explain why I don’t share the fact that I have autism.
There are many reasons why many people don’t. For example, mentioning it in dating can be a big risk for autistic women: lots of incels specifically want autistic girlfriends, as they know that they will be more able to manipulate them. I have also read a tweet by a woman describing how she recommend dating autistic men for similar reasons. But that’s not the main reason I don’t tell people. The main reason is because of how warped the public perception of autism is.
The public perception of autism is very unfortunate, as people think they know what autism is, but 99% of people they don’t. (See previous article first) Due to the constant media representation of autism comprising of minor variations of two archetypes, people think that autistic people fit into one of two types of person (when you ignore autistic-coded characters, see aside at the end of the article). This is absurd, as we don’t think that dyslexic or bipolar people are all the same, but we think for some reason that this is the case for autism. Having people expect us to be one of two templates is already not great, however there are big issues with these two stereotypes that make the problem much worse. To explain this, I will break them down separately.
The two stereotypes
The first stereotype is the autistic savant. Due to historical reasons with misdiagnosis and leading “experts” publishing sexist ramblings as psychological theories, people think that all people with autism, and, by extension, this stereotype, are always male. This character lacks empathy and self-awareness, however he is academically very talented. He is doing a very mentally demanding job such as advanced science, solving mysteries or hacking. He lacks social skills and will gladly offend everybody for the sake of his ego. He will act strangely and will be judged for this. Sheldon Cooper is the prime example of this, but he isn’t the only one.
The next stereotype is the child with low functioning autism. This child will lack any friends and will be made fun of for being weird and acting funny. The child will also be incapable of doing anything for themselves and typically is unintelligent. Often the parents will be portrayed as heroic for taking care of their child, as if parents aren’t obligated to love and care for their child whether or not they are different. It is worth nothing that the level of autism somebody has does not negatively affect their intelligence, and just because someone with autism is non-verbal or struggles with communication does not mean that they are not intelligent.
These are the two stereotypes. One of them isn’t very flattering and I don’t need to elaborate on the second one. When most people hear autism, they picture these two stereotypes, and for the most part they think that these are accurate portrayals. In practise this is far from the truth, but this belief is very damaging.
How these stereotypes harm autistic people
Now to finally answer the big question. I don’t tell people I have autism because I don’t want to be categorised into one of these two roles. I am quite academically inclined, so I get put into the Autistic Savant category, but that means that they will likely view me as having all these negative attributes because that’s what autism means to them. I have strong empathy and I am kind to people, but if I tell people I have autism shortly after meeting them that will warp their perceptions of me because of their expectations of me.
Now I don’t have it as bad as some people, because I am automatically put in the autistic savant category, but not everyone with autism is. When some of my less academic autistic friends tell others, then they are now under pressure to appear to be the first stereotype rather than the second one.
When people have such rigid ideas of what autism looks like, then they view being autistic as the primary characteristic of those with autism. They cannot look past or around the autism as they think that is all they are. Added on top of this is the fact that these TV shows do not educate about the difficulties autistic people face, as they only judge them for being different, so there is nothing to gain from telling most people you have autism, and a lot to lose.
The problem is that I have unique difficulties and strengths and I want to communicate that with others. I don’t like having to be dishonest and to pretend to be something other than who I am. But the way things are, I know that hiding my true self and not telling others is the preferable alternative.
So that’s the media representation of autism. Many of these shows claim to do research. While the amount they do is can be very questionable, the problem is that most of the information surrounding autistic people focuses on the negatives. Then, when you actually try researching online, you have articles written by psychologists about all that is wrong with us. No attention is ever drawn to the positive traits of autism, only the ways that we are deemed to be ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’ by society.
Conclusion
Recently, I told a friend I had autism. He was surprised as I obviously didn’t fit into the category perfectly, but he believed me and reassured me that he knew what autism was because he saw ‘Rain Man’. At first, I said sure and went along with it. But later I saw the film. It was a film that featured a low functioning autistic character that implied all autistic people were like him, and also suggested all autistic people had magical intellectual superpowers while glorifying the realities of institutionalisation.
What I have learned since is that if I don’t mention I have autism, either people will like me the way I am, or they won’t. Even if the word isn’t used, they will likely be able to tell that something is different with me, even if they are too polite to admit it. What I have learned is that the people who treat me well before hearing the word are the ones worth hanging out with and the ones who treat me well after hearing I have autism are the ones who should be avoided at all costs. So, when saying the word autism introduces all this baggage, I see no point in me sharing my diagnosis. And that is why I don’t tell people I am autistic.
Aside:
On the topic of autistic coded characters, it is also worth looking at the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” trope in romcoms. This is a female character that is commonly autistic-coded and serves as a 1-dimensional quirky character who teaches the love interest to appreciate the world around them while making them happier. But because this is the primary representation of autistic women in movies, this leads to fetishization of autistic characteristics, even if the people fetishizing these characters do not realize that these characteristics are autistic characteristics. While this is significant enough to be worth mentioning, the word ‘autism’ is almost never used with these autistic coded characters, so people don’t make the connection. Therefore, I don’t reference this stereotype in this article.